The idea below are going to greatly increase the enjoyment of your
Wal-Mart shopping experience.
You
may be saying to yourself,
"I can't do these things, I'll get in trouble!"
Give me a break, just use your head.
If you use many of these ideas you'll get yelled at by
a manager and maybe even thrown out of the store.
Is this
really a loss? However, you should still be
responsible when thinking
of trying any of the acts below.
Running
amok around Wal-Mart with a chainsaw
may sound like fun but you could end up hurting
someone or getting yourself arrested.
So
use common sense, I can't be responsible for your stupidity.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AUTOMOTIVE:
Practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
Contaminate the entire auto department
by sampling all
the spray air fresheners.
Take one of those round air filters out of the box,
put it on your
head and declare
yourself the king of the automotive department.
BOOKS:
In the new releases section, rip out the
very last page of the story in each book so the person
who
reads it will go nuts wondering how it ended.
CHECKOUT LANES:
Get a full cart and get in a long check out line and when
your next in line act like you
forgot
something and leave.
CHRISTMAS:
Challenge other customers to a duel with tubes of gift wrap.
CLOTHING:
Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME!".
Re-dress the
mannequins as you see fit.
Try on bras over top of your clothes.
Take the bras to the sewing/fabric department and
try them on there. Makes people wonder...
Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around
the store casually.
Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not puting one pair back.
Take
the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles
Put a pair of panties over your face and run around the store
yelling that you're Spiderman.
COMPUTERS:
On each display computer, check the mouse to see if there's a mouse ball inside.
If there is,
take it out and screw the cover back on. Lose these on the floors,
throw them at customers or pretend they're bubble gum.
Figure out a way into the display computer's settings (they're usually protected) and give their
Windows
98 a new "theme" - this would include a new desktop background image
(porn!), now sounds (porn!), and maybe some of those
new-fangled active desktop links
to even more porn. You can bring in porn on a disk.
Change the screen saver into the scrolling marquee. The message you put in there
is only limited
by your imagination.
COSMETICS:
Spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl
and
start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?
(giggle)." When the boy shows
no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way.
Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs.
If they have
anything free to try, use it ALL up.
ELECTRONICS:
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals
Turn all the radios to a polka station,
then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
Re-alphabetize the CD's.
Record a tape or CD with nothing on it
for a few minutes. Then after the silence record the most
offensive things you can think of such as porn audio clips, profanity,
songs with extrememly
dirty lyrics, etc. Stick the tape or CD into a stereo, crank up the volume and walk away.
By
the CDs, put on the headphones and listen to their music,
singing along very loudly like you're
doing keraoke. Be
really obnoxious about it and if an employee tells you to stop just pretend
like you can't hear or see them because you're
lost in your music.
Complain about "Well, if you edit all your CD's, then why don't you edit your movies too?"
(note
- Walmart sells clean versions of popular music which means never buy music from Walmart!)
-Go up to the clerk and ask
LOUDLY where the pornography is, then get VERY angry when they don't
have any. Loudness is the key.
Go through every
movie on the racks, murmering "seen it... seen it... seen it..." until you
either can't take it anymore or you drive everyone
away.
Mix up the index cards for the categories of CDs. Do it slowly so that the clerk doesn't notice,
but if you
get enough of them all over the CD section, people will be going
CRAZY.
go up to one or two of the huge big screen tv's with your friends...blast it as loud as
you can then run or walk away
look for the palm pilots and just try to take them, they most likely have the strong rubberband
thingys to prevent you from taking them...so anyways just stand there and pull them back as far as you can...then let it go
and smash on the shelf their on...do that as many times befor you and your friends get bored...of someone yells at you
FOOD COURT:
Get a soft drink, tell them you don't get out much and would they put one of those little umbrellas
in it.
ask and see if they sell lobster or escargo
FITTING ROOMS:
Go into the fitting room and after a minute yell real loud...."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"
FLORAL/GARDEN:
Take the little packets of seeds and rip the top off of one. Then take another and make a small
hole
at the top of the packet. Pour the first packet into the second, then make it look like it
was never opened. The customer
will either think they got a good deal, or they might get
really confused in the spring when they get hybrid veggies.
Pee in the flowers. If it doesn't kill them, at least they'll smell really bad.
Have a BIG arrangement of flowers
made up then walk off saying "I've got some shopping to do,
I'll be back." Then when they're done with it, just walk straight
past the counter and ignore
everything the employee says.
Pour salt in the plants.
Take packets of seeds and plant
them in random pots.
Bring marijuana seeds to the store and plant those.
You know those little white tabs that they
put in all of the plants that have the name of the
plant and various watering instructions on them? Switch them around.
Although the effects won't
be readily apparent, someone will eventually realize it's happened and send someone
out
to fix it. The best part is when the clerk fixing it has no clue what a geranium is.
Bring some crushed-up Alka-Seltzer
and sprinkle it all over the plants. Next time they water
the plants, there'll be a lot of white foam coming out of them.
GROCERIES:
Get some steaks, ground beef and all kinds of other meat from the meat department and put them
in
your shopping cart. You don't have a shopping cart? Steal one from that old lady, you can run
faster than her. Now find
another isle where there's space underneath the shelves and stuff the
meat under there as far back as it'll go. In a few
weeks it's going to start smelling awfully
foul around there. Do this all over the store but hide them good so employees
don't find them.
You can also toss them up on top of shelves where they won't be found for a long time.
Limburger cheese, which comes in convenient small glass jars, is perfect for hiding the same way
as steak/meat/etc. But an even better place to put it is on the same shelves as the
candles/aromatheraphy products.
First visit the pet department and get all kinds of different pet foods. Then start stocking the
pet food alongside
the regular foods. Try to match the style and looks of the other foods on the
shelf. Like put the cans of cat food next
to similar shaped cans in the grocery section.
Customers will either be disgusted by the pet food being by the regular
food or they'll not
notice and end up eating it when they get home.
HARDWARE:
Ask the guy who makes keys if he has the key to your heart.
Pick up various tools (saws, hatchets,
chainsaws, hedge trimmers) and chase each other all over
the store with them at really high speeds.
Test out the quality
of the bolt cutters by seeing if you can cut the protective sleeves off of CDs.
HOUSEWARES:
See how high you can build a paper towel pyramid before being noticed.
Build a huge wall in the
toilet paper isle out of toilet paper, blocking off access to the isle.
(Toilet paper packages are a little more sturdy
than paper towels.)
Chase people around the store with a toilet seat like you're a crocodile.
INFANTS:
Ask where the black-market baby section is.
JEWLRY:
stair at one ring for as long as you can, when someone asks if you need help just stair at them...then
slowly walk away
LAYAWAY:
Put m&m's on layaway
Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
MEDICAL:
Take a big swallow of water and let an alka-seltzer dissolve on your tongue. Make sure to drool
lots
and fall in the floor and fake convulsions.
Construct a bridge across the aisle with band-aids and tongue-depressers.
Take a bottle of vitamin-C tablets, mash them up, give yourself a little "snowjob" then walk
around acting all paranoid.
If they have one of those blood-preassure tester machines, try to stick your head in the cuff
and make a big scene
when you can't.
Use some tape and rip off all the barcodes off the back of embarassing products like
Preparation H,
Gas-X, tampons, etc. Rip the price tags off too. That way when someone brings them
up to the front, they'll either have
to hike their asses back to find a new one or the store
will do a price check over the intercom. Items like these are
also a lot of fun to slip into
people's carts as they go up front.
PARKING LOT:
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign out front.
Drive around the entrances screaming out the window
"the British are coming"
POODOLLARS! You take a dollar, smear shit on it and casually drop it outside the doors. Watch
as
people pick it up thinking they can use it to make 10-10-321 calls and get poo all over their hands.
PETS:
Have a goldfish squishing contest. Don't worry, we have an inside source that tells us Wal-Mart
manufactures
all of their own goldfish so you're not really being mean and cruel or anything.
Cut holes in the bottom of the kitty
litter bags. And the dog food bags. And the cat food bags.
Cut a slit into the largest kitty litter bag, put it in your
cart and start walking around the
store, leaving a trail of kitty litter wherever you go.
Scoop a gold fish out of
their tank and put them in the oscar tank. The Oscars swallow them
whole, minus the head or tail which will hang out of
their mouth. (how cute!)
Scoop out an Oscar and put it in the gold fish tank. See how many it can eat before it dies.
Get some Goldfish brand cheese crackers from the food department and fill up an empty fish tank
with them. Be sure
to mark a price for them on the tank!
REST ROOMS:
Bring merchandise into the rest rooms. Lots of it. You can't get arrested for shoplifting unless
you actually shoplift. So stock all the stalls with the newest CDs, bottles of perfume and other
small items that
you can easily pocket. Just pack the restroom with merchandise and carts of
stuff. The temptation will be too great for
some customers and they might actually shoplift the
items.
Doesn't the sink area look a little bare? Make it look
more like home by taking a bunch of items
from housewares and arranging it neatly in the restrooms. Get some bathroom
rugs in there, a
toothbrush holder, a hair dryer, some of those cute tissue box holders and some Snoopy towels to
dry
your hands on. Put a scale on the floor and some magazines in each of the stalls.
SPORTING GOODS:
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring
pillows
from the bedding department.
While handling guns ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
Start playing
Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your
playing field.
Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
Test the
fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
Fill up a shopping cart with propane tanks and with a
crazy look in your eye, ask an employee
where the lighters are.
TOYS:
When you see huge stuffed toy dogs on the shelves, rearrage them so some are humping each other
and
others are laying down getting it from behind and others have their mouth in the crotch of
other dogs. It'll be a huge
orgy!
Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe and the
X-Men.
Ride
a display bicycle or scooter through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
Crusify a Caggage Patch doll
using a jack from the auto department and duct tape from hardware.
Kids will love it!
Play cowboys and indians with
the fake guns and cowboy hats. Run all around the store and
"shoot" the customers.
Arrange a bunch of motion sensing
toys on the floor so they all look at each other.
Then activate them all so they'll never shut up.
play a little kick
and run by punting one of those small rubber balls into the air and try to knock down one of the toys hidden up high on the
chelf.
roll one of the rubber bike wheeles into other aisles
MISCELLANEOUS TIPS:
Ride those little electronic kiddie cars at the front of the store.
Run up to an employee (preferrebly
a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically
yell at him " I need some tampons!!"
While walking around
the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"
Play with the automatic doors.
Walk up to complete
strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc.
See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
Leave
small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized
and say, "Wow. Magic!"
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--
to
the Batcave!"
TP as much of the store as possible.
Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
When two
or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
Fill your cart with boxes of condoms,
and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt
to buy them.
Two words: "Marco Polo."
While walking around alone,
pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation.
Exp: The person is breaking up with you and
you begin crying "How could you do this to me?
I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I
had won. You kissed ME
darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having
convulsions.
Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to
the magazines and relax. Find a bottle of Pepsi and bring
that along too.
Look right into the security camera and
use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why won't you
people leave me
alone?"
A really fun thing to do at Walmart is to get a cart, and walk around the whole store,
filling
up your cart with different stuff from all the different departments.
The employees laugh at this and think it's damned
funny,
because they have to put each individual item away for you.
Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the
restrooms.
Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,"I think we have a code 3 in
housewares" and
see what happens.
Move "CAUTION WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas.
When an announcement comes over the loud speaker
assume the fetal position and scream
"NO! NO! It's those voices again".
Ask other customers if they have any Grey
Poupon.
Switch signs on the men's and women's bathrooms.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission
Impossible".
Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it!
Make up nonsense
products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e.,
"Do you have any Shnerples here?"
When someone
steps away from their cart to look at something,
quickly make off with it with out saying a word.
Follow people through
the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until
they leave the store.
Hold indoor shopping
cart races.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
Play hide n go seek
and/or Tag in the aisles. Set boundies and have "bases." For example a good
hiding place might be in the bean bags, third
shelf up. Your friend will make a mess, digging
through merchandise to find you. Just remember that plain clothes security
doesn't take
kindly to guys running at full speed through their store.
When you need merchandise from a top shelf,
use big balls from the toy isle to knock it off.
If you break it, just try again.
Get some nice plates, cups and silverware
from housewares. Then get a lot of good food from the
food section. Sit down at one of those display tables and chairs
and have a nice candlelit
dinner. Don't forget to have a nice tablecloth and get some candle holders and candles.
And
hell, go put on some nice Wal-Mart clothes from menswear. You could really impress a chick
with a Wal-Mart dinner like
this.
Climb on one of those gigantic ladders with the wheels on it and have your friend push you all
over the store.
You can score extra points by grabbing the hanging signs off of the ceiling as
you pass them.
One day I saw a kid
piss his pants in the midle of the aisle and an employee had to clean it up.
So bribe a lot of little kids (with candy
from the food department) into pissing all over the
floors. Better yet, just whip it out and do it yourself.
Bring
a megaphone into the store. Pretend that you're Tom Green.
Bring any item into the store and the Wal-Mart "greeter" will
have to put a little sticker on
your item to show that it's your item. Now peel the sticker off and put in on something
really
large such as a propane bar-b-que grill and try to wheel it out of the store.
When they stop you point at the
sticker as proof that you wheeled that sucker in with you.
Fart on the greeters, then LOUDLY blame it on them.
Krazy
Glue items to the shelves (hell, Krazy Glue packages of Krazy Glue to the shelves - oh,
the stinging backhand of irony)
Always, ALWAYS ask the greeter where the fetish section is.
Walk around with a camera taking pictures of all the Wal-Mart
employees. Then, if you've got any
film left, conspicuously take pictures of the security cameras and/or cash registers.
